Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I just learned...

That Im fat!

Hot damn surprise surprise. Anyways, in between drinking glasses of lard and grazing in my pasture (I'm a cow- get it?) I came across this little ditty:

*yes I see it is from a website called The one from the CDC website looks identical but didn't upload as well. This is a height/ weight chart for all adults, disability not withstanding.

 Lets see- 5'8" and healthy is 146. Well looks like I owe myself a high 5 because Im perfectly in between low and target! Turns out this statement is false: " I noticed in Flickr pictures that Megan looks SOOO different! Definitely gained a lot of weight and totally changed her hair. She looks like an old lady. I'll safely assume she's not coming back this year! (NT) "

Well, false in that 'gained a lot of weight' is total GARBAGE. I did 'totally change my hair' though. Me looking like an old lady? Well, hell I don't know what to say to that. I don't exactly get IDed every time I order a beer glass of lard but I'd still like to argue that I don't look older than 25. But dear poster (no name included- make you wonder doesn't it?) alas, my fat ass will once again grace the stage and wipe the floor with yours. -Just like last year.

This? Oh, this is me answering the on stage question, for the Top 5.

Anywho, let this serve as a PSA kids; regardless of what the media and anonymous strangers on message boards tell you, a protruding rib cage is NOT beautiful and does NOT determine ones success in life. Live healthy and dammit- be happy with YOU! You are damn beautiful, smart, accomplished AND can put down a basket of chicken wings; you my friend? ROCK. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Just Earned my Shame Rattle

Favorite author and sister separated at different births Jenn Lancaster (Jennsylvania) coined the term 'Shame Rattle' in her books and no word has ever come to mind as quickly and glaringly as 'Shame Rattle' (if you watch Survivor or have seen or thought you saw an episode, when someone does something dick or generally thought of as bad you hear this rattle noise. In case you didn't know what that meant- which you should have but whatever) did tonight. I caught my self being mad that my football team was losing and didn't have the courage to stick with the game. Dirty Jobs wasn't doing it ('Locomotive Builder' doesn't exactly grab my attention) so upon further channel surfing I came across Bridezillas. Yeah. I tuned in. But commercials on We are repetitive to a point where you are REQUIRED to change the channel lest you find yourself running out to a Walgreens to find a Snuggie or Perfect Brownie Pan(!) so I came across the perfect example of all that is wrong with society- 16 & Pregnant. 

So lets recap: With dozens of friends in town, a working car, enough money in the bank to do some remotely interesting activity under 30 dollars, at least 20 books I haven't yet read, a floor that could (needs to) be cleaned, laundry to be folded, hell,  100 + dvd's to organize- I sat on my couch, ignored the pageant message boards about this weekends incoming state winners (I'm not bitter that its not me going to USA, but I'm not not bitter either...) and flipped between Bridezillas- a show about spoiled, irrational women that like to abuse their friends, parents' pocket books, and still manage to keep their significant others, and 16 & Pregnant- a show about spoiled, irrational, ignorant young women who refused to pick up a friggin condom from, well, where CAN'T you find a damn condom? for hours.

This is where I assumed/ hoped blood would come spurting from my eyes or I'd be struck with convulsions until I changed the channel but alas, its almost time for The Simpsons and still watching this dribble.

Shouldn't I be depressed?
Questioning the validity of my college degree?
Getting up to go running since I'm clearly doing nothing for my mind so why not attempt to do something for my body?


I'm still here. Wondering how/ why Katrina is such a moron; you want mommy to buy you a new (second) wedding dress because you ate your way out of the first one. Mommy asks "please stop stuffing your face like a neglected cow let loose in a grassy field" and she will get you one. What do you do then, Katrina? Eat! Eat like theres no free second wedding dress in your future!
I can't decide who I'm more frustrated at- this heifer or my stupid ass for sitting here, continuing to watch.

Then there's 16 & Pregnant. Oh 16 & Pregnant. If I ever needed proof that my favorite saying isn't just funny- its 100% accurate (Just because you can own a TV doesn't make you fit to produce and raise a child) you give it to me (and I thank you). A particular exchange between a 16 year old and her baby daddy really gave new meaning to the word "DUH"

16 year old to baby daddy who goes to esteemed community college out of town and works a day job: "I wish you were around more. Raising this baby alone is really, like, hard. I do everything..."

Baby daddy to new teenage mother: "Yeah. But I mean, I do everything else. I'm earning the bucks."

16 year old: " Ok but doing this alone, I don't have time for my online school. I don't ever get sleep. I just wish you would be around to help!"

Baby Daddy: "I think you're making this out to be harder than it really is..."

16 year old: "It is hard! How would you know if it isn't?!"

Baby Daddy: "....ok I wouldn't."


Quick- back to Bridezillas- male stripper! (feel free to ask me about that one trip to Miami- some bastards took pictures) I loathe naked dancing boys. I'll take my chances with the teenagers.

So I guess, if I was going to pull a Jerry Springer and assign some meaning to this post, I think that it would be; a large social circle may take a bit of upkeep, but if prevents nights of questioning ones college degree due to ones sad, sad choices in reality tv, it is totally worth it.

Shame Rattle.

A Guest Post

While on vacation to the Mexican Riviera sitting at family's house in Englewood Florida, my dear mother thrust an article into my hand and said "READ THIS!". That type of gusto for 7:30 in the morning clearly meant I needed to heed her instructions. The title? "Looming Squirrel Takeover" The content? Excellent. The following post is by my "guest" (he has no idea but would be flattered nonetheless) David Grimes from the Herald Tribune (Sarasota or Manatee- they're essentially the same)

"What else could go wrong"
By David Grimes

I read that some people believe that nuclear weapons are the best way to stanch the oil-well leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
The thinking, as best I can tell, is that nothing else is working and we've got all these nuclear weapons sitting around gathering dust, so why not? To my knowledge, no one has attempted to cap a leaking oil well with a thermonuclear detonation, but that could simply be because people are unwilling or unable to "think outside the box," a common problem today if you are a manager trying to get 5 people to do the work of 10 for half the money.
If you think outside the box far enough, you can imagine a nuclear bomb not only sealing off the leaking oil well but also providing us with festively glowing 50-pound grouper sandwiches forever, or until half of the plutonium decays 24,000 years hence. This would be a boon to Gulf fishermen, assuming any of them survive the explosion.
Like most Americans of a certain age, most of what I know about nuclear testing stems from "Godzilla" movies. Godzilla is, or was, a giant, fire-breathing dinosaur-like thingy that did not have a lot of use for Tokyo. Perhaps he got some bad sushi there or the brake pedal on his Toyota stuck; it's never been made totally clear. But what really irked Godzilla was nukes. He'd just be settling in for a nice, 30-million-year nap when -- WHAM! -- 20 megatons of fissionable material would go off right next to his ear and then he had no choice but to destroy Tokyo's power grid and melt a few make-believe tanks with his hot breath.

I have no idea where Godzilla is today, but given Florida's demographics, he's probably retired somewhere in the greater Sarasota area. Perhaps he spends his time playing golf, doing pilates or wondering what happened to his stock portfolio. I imagine, most of all, he tries to remain inconspicuous, sort of like the Unconditional Surrender statue on the Sarasota bayfront.
But all of this might change if we decide to nuke the leaking Gulf oil well. I can see Godzilla excusing himself from his Saturday morning foursome (especially if he's missing a lot of short putts) and wreaking havoc on Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, thereby doing away with a lot of unsightly catwalks and somewhat clarifying the question of where the Tampa Bay Rays will play in the near future.
While it's true that some civic good can be accomplished by Godzilla running amok, I'm not sure it's worth the risk of nuking the Deepwater Horizon well.
Though I think it's safe to say that we're all growing very impatient and BP needs to come up with a better solution fast.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thats Not Much of a Log

I've got a lot of ground to cover here so sit tight, grab a wine (Barefoot's the name of this game bitches. I roll big) and absorb my bloggy goodness.

Lets start with 'Dieting'. 'Dieting' is best done when you are working for something. A Pageant. Wedding. Wet T Shirt contest. You know, generally something when you want to look better than 'meh'. As is stands, Im just dieting because (boo hoo) Im no longer a size 2. Its hard. Its football season. It (was) rays baseball time. And my new obstacle, of course, is the beautiful weather that begs for lots and lots of cocktails outside for happy hour.

I work out 5 days a week. 2 days are spent with weights, the rest, well, Im TRYING to run. Let me tell you about my body and running. Something hurts, throbs, breaks, cracks, snaps and generally feels TERRIBLE every time I set out on my 3.2 mile trek. I've got more than enough stamina- but when the debilitating, crippling, searing (are you getting the point?) pain in my -insert random limb here- starts I am forced to stop and stretch/ clutch/ rub/ cry. As a method of cardio running is doing less than SQUAT for me. In terms of something challenging to break up the, I'll call it monotony, its an excellent activity to do mid day. Ill take my pat on the back for actually running the entire k (5k? I dont know- 3.2 miles) last night. Ill also take the new stabby pain in my ankle. Apparently I dont have a choice....

Over all its just eating better. The office has cake day, random cookies, random brownies, left over attorney food (attorneys, as it would seem, only eat carbs!) and random health providers we work with catering food for us in hopes that we continue pushing our clients into their clinics. If my lack of self control didn't break the scale- the evil food in the office will. Yeah I'll admit to sneaking a donut but I wont go out and get a bagel later. I make an effort to drink less beer (unless the office is having a happy hour, in which case its a free for all because hey, its not my money) but lets be honest, wine sucks for you too. I think Im taking myself off the 'diet'. I've just got myself to a point where I'm eating better and leaving the bad food for a really good weekend or special occasion- and when it happens I make sure to throw in a Saturday jog. Yay for better habits.

On to something really worth bitching about- my hair. Lest we forget, I've looked like this since birth:
Ta Da

Anywho. I got really bored with my look after Miss Florida so I went out and dyed my hair brown. I liked it! It was fun after the initial shock of not recognizing myself in the mirror for the first few days. A few showers later I noticed it lightened up, but after a particular beach trip, well, just look... 

This is a small chronological order- you can clearly see a difference.

So. When I look in the mirror, what I see is a head of very confused hair. "Am I brown? Dirty Blonde? Red maybe?" This is my hairs daily internal conflict. Have you ever gotten a hair cut that didn't really go like you wanted, but then once it grew out a little it was actually worse than the cut? That weird "in between" stage? Yeah thats whats happening here. I fully planned on heading back blonde once spring came BUT for the winter, for the first time in my life I wanted to go darker! Now Im torn between the general consensus of making a 180 and going back blonde as soon as I can afford it or sticking to my (darker) guns and getting a re-dye.

*Side Note: Im watching "Whats Eating You?" on E! and I've seen a commercial for this brownie pan about 86 times so far. On this particular episode, an Anorexic woman who's "afraid" of fats. Something feels wrong about selling ad time for a brownie pan when clearly the show is about eating disorders*

Also- to everyone that said "NO!!!!!!!" to me about going red, I think Im ready to agree with you. In some lights my in between hair has a serious red twinge and it might be because the particular light in which is looks red is crappy office florescent light but what Im seeing? Im not a-lovin.

Aside from hair confusion, being irritated at my pants (that whole waist line/ tight in the ass thing) the only other thing that makes me want to get a Brazilian just to take my mind off of it is my face. Yes, I said face. I neglected to blog about my 'experience' of getting my wisdom teeth out. Short story long, the bottom right tooth had its roots all snarled around the nerve. It was bad. Hey! It was so bad a really experienced oral surgeon said "Uh naw, Im not touching that."

So I meander on to my family's dentist who, for lack of a better phrase, got a total hard on at the prospect of such a mangled mouth. Both dentists mentioned some 'numbness being a possibility'; where oral surgeon said it WOULD HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT AND I'LL PROBABLY NEED TO DO 2 SURGERIES JUST BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO RISK YOU HAVING A TOTALLY NUMB JAW, family dentist said "Eh. Maybe. I'd say out of the thousands (he said thousands) of these Ive done I have had 5 people get numb and none of them were permanent." Since one had me scared shitless AND getting TWO mouth surgeries, the confidence of my family dentist won me over.

Now I'l spare you a lot of details here but let me put it to you this way: I wont go as far as saying I 100% felt my dentist shatter a tooth in my jaw and cut out small pieces of jaw bone and instruct the assistant to 'hold her legs' but I will tell you I consulted the Med Mal department at my office to see if I had a case. That numbness? Surprise! It happened. I got my teeth out around August 20th and I'd say last week I FINALLY started to feel an occasional tingle. Huzzah.

The real problem wasn't that I had a half of my chin, half of my bottom lip, gums and respective teeth totally without feeling, the problem was and is my messiness. Normally when you (or me) gets food on your face, you feel it! Guess what happens when you have zero sensation in your face and mouth? You have to have someone monitor you like a messy infant so you don't embarrass yourself. Whoopsy. For now I'm happy for the chance to redeem myself to society for all of the dinners where I sat with something on my face like a moron.

The new problem (theres always a problem) is that while its GOOD the nerve is repairing its self, the sensations I get in my face from time to time are BAD. Tingle isn't just it. At times its SUPER sensitive to hot, cold, make up brush, toothbrush, and chewing. So while I should just shut up and get excited that I no longer risk chomping off a chunk of my face, Im instead bothered by the "pins and needle" feeling that refuses to leave my face. 

But hey, now I can eat risotto without a chaperone!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Diet What?

I've come to realize that sports 'season' and trying to cut out the beer don't exactly go hand in hand.

That being said, cutting down on what I shove down the old gullet and regular exercise pretty much allow for one (me) to eat what you want; within reason of course. Im not out shotgunning hamburgers or anything, no matter how badly I would like to!

This time of year its to difficult to 'diet diet' so I plan on giving myself a break and ending the constant stream of guilt induced headaches about what Im eating. The new mantra is "Smaller portions, more running. Smaller portions, more running...". Actually, Im taking this in a different direction and seeing what results I can get out of the book "Eat This, Not That!". It seems like an entertaining and fact filled read so as Im only trying to run off the remaining stubborn 8 lbs I'll see what I can achieve from being aware of what the sodium and fat content of my favorite meals are.

Now, if you were looking for a really heated and irrationally angry diatribe blog just wait until I unleash what I've been holding back about my Blackberry. RIM: you're on my list... you're on my list.

Oh, go Rays!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I found something to complain about!

I mean I wasn't at a loss for anything, I just had a hard time choosing! (Today was really interesting...)

Anyway. I worked really hard trying to create the right header for The Diet Log Blog and after an hour on photo shop, my efforts were squashed by a lack of html understanding and a problem with this weird Artisteer program.

So, in an effort to flaunt my mad skillz I present to you the would be header if the blog formatting worked out the way it was supposed to!

See? I rock!


So you might have noticed my blog looks disgustingly generic. Trust me I'm well aware. The program I use to edit with, Artisteer, is just REFUSING to sync with this website and I've been left either using pre-made template's or looking at a white background. Since I find the lovely country road more pleasing than a glaring white background, you're getting the country road.

I was going to post about my irrational fears of being 'watched' in the gym today but instead I'm going to dick around and try to get a better understanding of HTML. (damn you Florida's public education system and lack of web design for moron's based classes!)

**nope, now its dots. And Im still pissed.

***Fail again. Its friggin purple...

Stupid Food Idea of the Day

Today I had smokers on the mind. Not of the meat cooking variety, but the kind you find somehow being allowed more breaks than non-smoking employees all because they have ‘cravings’. I have regular cravings for tacos and wine (not at the same time of course) but you don’t see me getting a pass from management to come and go as much as I please to the non existent taco stand in the lobby or the bar across the street.

But unfairness in the world of paid breaks isn’t what prompted my thought; it’s that a lot of women smokers use smoking as meal replacement. Instead of grabbing a snack they grab a cigarette and proudly march downstairs to inhale away their hunger. My SFID was to take that mentality and apply it to coffee!

By 10:48 am I’m on cup number 3 and my stomach and mood are both unhappy. I don’t think I need a therapist to tell me my eating has been a way to have something to do while at work. I can hear the questions now; “why don’t you just bring healthy snacks?” and “why aren’t you more productive at work then?”. Well, the Publix Greenwise charges damn near 5 dollars for a head of Ice burg Lettuce yet the office coffee is free. It was either take the 85 dollars for food and get the dog heart worm medication or me something that isn’t chocolate. The dog seemed more important so I went with her. ‘Well Miss Thang, why don’t you be like the rest of middle America and take yourself down a few pegs and check out the Wal Mart?” To that I answer- “BECAUSE!” Besides, if you haven’t been in a Publix Greenwise I think its kind of like seeing a unicorn for the first time; beautiful and hypnotizing. (or so I would assume. The only unicorn I’ve seen is from that ‘Charlie’ you-tube video and he had his kidney stolen by other unicorns and that was just depressing because unicorns aren’t supposed to sell organs on the black market.)

The other reason I think the ‘coffee for food idea’ is going to make me commit a random act of violence is that I’m using my lunch breaks to work out in an attempt to jump start my exercise routine. This morning I’ve had a quarter of a banana, a handful (or 3) of granola, a mini Luna Bar and 3 cups of coffee. If my body doesn’t give up during my first work out in weeks then I deserve a medal (or a trip to Two dollar Taco Tuesday). I have a healthy lunch for after I work out, Im not that sick, but its getting through the workout that Im really interested in.

As it turns out, the workout wasn’t that bad. The tiny Y downtown is quiet, empty, and complete with the best locker room ever and 4 fantastic tv’s. I don’t love the elliptical’s but they get the job done. It takes about 4 minutes to clock out, get through the building, down the elevators, across the parking garage and down the stairs into the gym. I’ve got changing down to a science, the only problem is being hourly my lunch is a really strict hour and I am either cutting my workout short, showering and walking around with a wet head or covering myself a thick layer of lotion, body spray and deodorant when I come back in and hope everyone rather smell that than BO.

I didn’t look disgusting, had a shorter day, and have high hopes for better fitting pants in my near future. By 3:21 I still hadn’t had that 4th cup of coffee and I proudly held off the hungry with my diet coke. I just kept telling myself that any coffee that’s sat for this long needs to be given to the sink, not humans, so opt for the tooth rotting soda.

Tonight goals include not eating my body weight in something terrible like cheese or Oreo’s and buying rice cakes so I don’t have to continue today’s Stupid Food Idea (of the Day). I mean, I see tomorrow having an equally stupid ideas, but I think I’m retiring the coffee experiment…

The Diet Log Blog

Generally Speaking was all about documenting unemployment and ventures into higher education. Since I found full time work and joined the ranks of the underemployed (putting school on hold for, you know, when I can afford it or have the motivation to succeed at it) I haven’t had a lot to write about. Now, don’t get me wrong, having spent 7 months literally begging employers to even LOOK at my resume, I have a healthy appreciation for the job I have. My company is big; I work with a very close friend, and have amazing managers. I mean no offense to my title or fellow workers who do the same but an untrained, slower than average monkey could do our job. Its frustrating, boring, and sometimes down right unsettling to feel this stuck in an unfulfilling job. Understanding what little effort goes into dozens of form letters aside, I could stand to earn a few more bucks an hour, if not get on salary.

As it stands, these days it seems like I’m always one more bill away from living under an overpass and luxuries are damn near nonexistent. One of the most loved things to go by the way-side was my personal trainer Lewis. In a way, Lewis was a blessing and a curse; the blessing was that I literally have never looked as good in my LIFE as I did over the summer; the curse is that I am totally and utterly unable to workout without him. I promised myself countless times that after the pageant I wouldn’t puff up like an inflating hot-air balloon, but here we are. I knew what a bitch it was to lose that weight but did my stomach listen? Absolutely not. Did I show any real maturity or self control when it came time to eat things like double pasta or baked potatoes the size of my foot? Not remotely. Although I’ve enjoyed every bit of eating and drinking, I don’t enjoy exploding out of the pants that can’t be let out or replaced with a new pair because of said monetary concerns.

It might seem unoriginal as Miss Jen Lancaster did pretty much the same thing in her hysterical best seller “Such a Pretty Fat” (you should buy and read everything she writes because she makes Carlin look like a hack) but I’m going to attempt to document my trails in weight loss while not being able to afford healthy food and a personal trainer all while lacking the ability to ‘just say no’ to beer during Monday night football.

-Here’s to no longer fearing my pants are going to rip while bending over to file!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Super GIANT Fail

I'm of course talking about BP.

Like any normal person with access to television, internet, newspaper, Morris code receiving device, or smoke signals, I'm really saddened and genuinely horrified by the images coming out due to the spill. Maybe its the shocking reach of the oil, the ominous glow of its sheen, that too hard to watch live feed of the crude bursting from the earth like a slit artery, fish suffocating, or those heartbreaking shots of birds not understanding whats happening to them and struggling to move.

No, I know what it is.

Its this. (<- click that)

This isn't the first time I have seen stories of clean up crews acting shady. These women who LOVE their state were offering WATER. Not carrying hidden cameras, not shooting off rapid fire questions at the workers, for Gods sake they were wearing cute tank tops.

I've got a real deep and though provoking question here; why can't clean up crews accept water?

BP is 'contracted with someone'? Like Tiger Woods and Nike and god help him if he wears addidas type contract? Is that rational?

It's at this point where I have to step back from my love of big business and kindly ask BP What the fcuk are you doing? Honestly?

You want a little 'business' advice from someone with an entire semester of basic economics under their belt? Alrighty-

1- have some asshat up at corporate print out a LOT of waivers. Yes, similar to ones you sign at fairs when you want to go on the huge and very unsafe looking ride. Let people who want to clean up oil sign their life away and let them GO TO IT. You're no longer liable and you've suddenly got free help. Win Win.

2- Since you suddenly own the coast and we're going to regulate (which I guess I get) who gets to help clean up, just coordinate with the HUNDREDS of bird sanctuaries and the like in these regions and insist that those who want to clean up, sign the waiver (back to step 1 if you already forgot) and get some learnin on how to deal with oil and animals.

3- Concerned about $$? Considering the government already took 20 billion and their going to go after so much you literally start hemorrhaging it, take it upon yourself to just start handing out that money. My suggestion would be to the sanctuaries since 1- their going to be so inundated with animals that over capacity will become a laughable phrase and 2- at this point PR is going to be significant not to big BP, but to those who just happen to use the BP name on their gas station. Although I appreciate a good protest, my fellow Americans, double check (or just actually check) to see if that BP you want to stand in front of with a shitty cardboard sign is actually an arm of Satan (read: big oil), or someones livelihood. This way, with BP just throwing money into the animals/ environment and that 20 mil in escrow you've covered your bases on the PR side.

4- Ask those morons protesting local business owners to instead take up the 'good fight' on the actual battle lines and sign up (check out step 1 if you're not following) and go to a few hours worth of oil education (#2) and get out there and help clean up and save animals/ tourism/ the ecosystem.

Although I don't doubt that my '4 Steps to Success!" are slightly idealistic, honestly, isn't the smartest solution the easiest one? Raise your hand if you want to volunteer? Good. Now raise your hand if you have the time, or will make the time to help the clean up efforts- excellent. Now, raise your hand if you can't believe BP is investing money into radio commercials that tell us to keep buying their product instead of telling people the name and website of their local bird or wildlife sanctuary and how they can help. Everyone? Huh...

EVERYONE needs to do something to help the Gulf. Since BP makes it hard, whether its out buying lots of Dawn soap or making a donation to the sanctuaries I've mentioned a dozen times (just google your zip code and 'bird sanctuaries' folks) do something.

No, really. If you're motivated enough to join an anti BP facebook group then I'm asking you donate 5 dollars to, I don't know, the Audubon Society or moate marine.

Here is another useful link

Stay informed, make a point to frequent unaffected beaches, and do something.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Frank Sinatra Died Today

So, as a huge Sinatra fan (big like, were you aware on his 80th birthday the empire state building glowed blue for him? No, you weren't...) I am recognizing the day of his passing with a simple glass of wine. See, a lot of people would think Frank was just the King of swing and spent every moment of his life as just a wild guy, but I know better (I read too much). Of course I never knew him, but a lot of his biographies would say that Sinatra spent a lot more time talking about drinking than actually out doing it, and while Bing Crosby was a big influence, only a few knew that Billie Holiday was his true vocal muse. He was a hell of an Italian cook and enjoyed reading best sellers.

I love Frank because I can listen to him for every mood. Although lately all I want to hear are his soul crushing songs of heart ache, generally speaking there is a Sinatra song for every situation, happy or sad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter how down and out I feel, Frank lets me know that The Best is Yet to Come, and I wanted to thank him for that.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Well, I intended to post about a number of different things much sooner than this but as it turns out, life, and all of its negative aspects sometimes JUMP in the way. And not small, poke their ugly head up jump, but full on, spit in your face and kick you in the crotch ninja style jump.

Of all of the things that kicked me this past weekend, one stands out.

See, being a sorority girl, regardless of the bad times, the good ones, the countless good ones trump anything else and I wear my letters with pride. I love my sisters, the silly ones, bossy ones, loud ones; at the end of the day, those crazy bitches are my crazy bitches and I know I can limp back to my house and those girls will pick me up.

Not all of them though, feel the same way. One of them this weekend told me shes ashamed to call me her sister. I'll let all of you who call yourself Greeks take that in for a moment.

Yeah you know, its been a rough week, and of course, like when one is drinking, one should never post angry. However, the bigger person in me has left for the afternoon, and I'm not so much mad as I am excited to see what Karma brings her way.

Life after college is supposed to be difficult: no one said grownup was synonymous easy, but seriously? Ouch. Its ok though, sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least I've got a personality. A big, in your face, loud, opinionated one, at that. 
And I L O V E it.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Garden State

Part of day, between getting rejected from various schools and looking for random jobs on the internet, is devoted to my little garden. I know you have probably waited all day to read about someone's plants, so here is my gift to you! (in detail) ((with pictures))

-The Tomato's and the cucumber are doing great- something I did not expect!
-One of my strawberry's looks really dead while the other is making me a handful of little strawberry's!!
-I have only killed 1 sunflower, and thats because I broke his stem, not because I killed it with my mystical abilities to end the life of every plant within 20 yards of me.
-The Rose bush either is getting too much water or not enough and won't bloom.
- The orchid appears to be dying. This can be tricky though. I am pretty positive I've seen it pull this 'yellow leaf' business a few times and bounce back. We'll see...
-The mint and basil get a little cranky when they don't get enough water (as would I) but they do seem to be kicking!
-The cactus just looks kinda sad. Nothing new.

Here we have two types of tomato's and a cucumber plant crammed together. Very happily I might add.

The healthy strawberry plant (indicated by a thumbs up no less) and its baby fruit!

The dying strawberry plant. And if you couldn't tell from the yellow leaves, I have provided you again with a thumb indicator.

One of my sunflower pots. Notice how happy and big they're getting. I may have to stick with these instead of roses...

Here is the Orchid leaf in question. If you look closely, the leaf to the left of the yellow leaf has bite makes in it. (fun fact) If you look further left you will see some of the droopy leaves of the rose bush. If you look to the right you will see the sad cactus.

Here are my Mint and Basil. They are quite tasty.

Finally, a picture of my beautiful Pepper stopping to smell the roses.

Friday, April 9, 2010


I love the tv show 'Bones'. Much like The Office, the joy of this show is shouting at the tv for the 'WILL' they part of Bones and Booth's 'will they/ won't they' relationship to happen.

If you pay any attention to the show- you are aware that Bones is brilliant, Booth is street smart with a heart of gold. Through the show we have watched Booth grow. Remember- Booth is the 'less intelligent' of the two. Yet after 5 years, the writers of this show honestly expect the viewers, many of whom are die hard dedicated fans, (much like X Files fans) to HONESTLY believe that Bones, as smart as she is, cannot grow- at ALL- like her partner has.

In case there are people out there that do read this and watch the show I'm not going to go on ranting about last night episode. Well, I'm not going to give anything away- I'm going to rant...

I look forward to a few things in my life. These days when my biggest accomplishment is getting into the community college across the street from me, I need to have something I love to look forward to. When I plant myself down on the couch on a Thursday night with GREAT anticipation for my FAVORITE show's 100th episode only to be kicked in the crotch by what I saw, I can only ask WHY???

Why would you do this to the viewers? To those of us who own every season on dvd, have watched said dvd's at least 5 times all the way through, know absolutely useless (however fun) facts about the show and personal lives of the cast. Why? Why would you construct a mile stone episode to be so BAD? Are you happy with yourself? Do you feel proud to go home and tell you family about what you did?

If YOU happened to enjoy last nights train wreck of an episode, well I don't want to go as far to say you don't deserve Bones, but I will say shame on your mother for dropping you on your head so many times.

Yes, last nights episode WAS that bad. And no. I'm not sorry for making a post dedicated to me being pissed about a TV show. People need to know! YOU, America, you need to know whats happening! You can thank me later when the Bones writers get a hold of this SCATHING review and get their ACT together before they go and pull more crap like this for the season finally.

Bones writers, you're on notice...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

What...a fabulous day.

Today, I wasn't going to take that typing test. A combination of lazy and fear of full-sized keyboards had me pretty content to sit in front of the tv, watch Office episodes I know by heart, and update my blog background.

Of course my mother decided to read my blog (I do appreciate the dedication don't get me wrong) call me and ask about the typing test. I felt guilty and after my very weird morning that concluded with me saying "The lady at CVS is totally judging me." I figured it woulnd't kill me to get acquainted with downtown O-town and just take the stupid test- if only for reference when applying to other futile positions.

I needed a score of 55 WPM. My raw score was 63 (!!!) and after adjusting for errors ( I don't like that word..) my score ended up 59. I officially meet all of the qualifications for the position and the woman in HR said to "be patient"- so I'm waiting.

My next bit of good news- I have been 'accepted' to community college! And thank god; if I got rejected from community college I would have to go play 4 square in rush hour traffic on Kirkman. Phew! Hopefully someone, somewhere out there offers me a respectable position for a respectable amount of pay (aka salary or more than 10/ hour) before I have to enroll.

Ans since things come in 3's, I was going to toast some slices of oat bran pita to dunk into my humus (it tasted better in my head) when the oven refused to open. If you haven't been paying attention to my saga with the apartment complex and the CRAP they TRY to pass off as livable amenities, my oven sucks as much as my neighbors. (Not the loud music ones, the pot smokers who refuse to discipline their dogs or bring the poor bastards in off the porch that takes full afternoon sun- thus explaining why they bark all afternoon. Why they bark through the night is a mystery. Probably because their owners suck as much as my oven...)

Anyway, SOMETHING prevents the oven from coming off this latch thing and today it finally wouldn't budge no matter how hard I yanked on it. I finally did beat on it enough to get it opened and finally- I stopped and really looked at it. Then I saw it, I figured out how to fix it! The oval that the latch slides into needs to be widened because the oven door is SIGNIFICANTLY bent (not our fault, this hasn't been working since day 1. Seriously.) and since I cant move the oven door, I needed to widen the hole! I banged on it with a screw driver for 20 minutes and now it hardly sticks! If I didn't have girl arms it would be 100% fixed- good thing boyfriend doesn't have girl arms!

OH and the strawberry plant is making strawberries! WIN

That was Depressing

So I'm just awake tonight and sitting online digging through jobs. The more positions I come across and research, the more I get an idea of what I DON'T want to do. For example, I don't want to work at a bank, in any capacity. I looked up some things that could do with writing and of course there isn't a lot. By 'a lot', I mean there were only 2 or 3 things I understood/ that looked like legitimate jobs. I don't know if you've spent very much time cruising job search websites but there are a lot of scams...

I am applying for 2 jobs within the City of Orlando. Either would be pretty cool. One is event planning/ marketing and the other is a secretarial position. I know that doesn't sound like a lot to aspire to, but when I really want to write and or sue people, having a job doing something I KNOW makes up for the lack of glamor. I enjoy filing, transferring calls, putting together meeting packets, ect. Tomorrow I think I'm going to haul myself down town and take their typing test. I need 55 wpm and I'm averaging 56. But I'm of course having some performance anxiety because I KNOW I'll be typing on a standard sized desk top computer keyboard, and I haven't touched one of those in years (I'm a laptop kinda girl).

Although I love the liberty of being able to do whatever I want by staying at home, I do have a routine and think I keep order here. Whats more though is that I really like writing. The little stuff I do for me, the stupid stories I recount here, I feel really clear when I write. I've got the ability to bold things, make them all italic, stick things in (here) and use commas like they're going out of style.

The more afternoons I spend at the pool, the more I realize I am NOT in a position to be unemployed. But, I just dig and dig and dig through these piles of 'jobs' and feel miserable. Out of 250, there are maybe 3.5 that interest me. I've worked DOZENS of jobs in my 22 years. I quit most of them. Being bored to tears at times aside, I have never, EVER, been a person to do something I don't like. Thats why I've dropped classes, dated around (not like that...), gone through different styles, groups of friends, tastes in music. I honestly DO have a solid understanding of things that make me crazy and I'm desperate to find a way to pair things I love with earning a respectable amount of money.

So far tonight has left me really disappointed.
OH not to mention I have NEVER heard from the COMMUNITY COLLEGE I applied at to study paralegal stuffs. I'm going to march my little self over there tomorrow and find out what the dealy-o is. Being REJECTED from COMMUNITY COLLEGE is one of those things I am NOT ok with.

Monday, April 5, 2010

That Burning Sensation

So I write this post with close to the level of excitement someone feels when they go to the doctor for something that seems really serious and scary, and it turns out to be an M&M stuck to their ass or something equally ridiculous.

See, today, I got the use of my ring and pinky fingers back after what felt like a combination of acid and flesh eating virus. I was QUITE positive this wasn't going to stop, and if it DID stop, I wouldn't have any flesh on my fingers left. That I have flesh is super exciting, I promise you.

I want to work this story backward because I just can't hold it any longer- My Easter weekend ended with me peeing on my hands.

Let me explain.

2 Thanksgivings ago, I realized boyfriend and I wouldn't be a 'competitive' couple unless we started contributing dishes to the family gatherings. Although it took me roughly 2 years to figure it out, I have started cooking. 4 months of edible meals turned into my insisting on making a dish for Easter. I would do the hard work, boyfriend would assist- I was going to COOK and it was going to be WONDERFUL and I WOULD look like a real adult (thank-you-very-much).

My idea was actually my mothers suggestion of trying out some of these reduced fat Jalapeno Poppers. It required 12 halved and de-seeded peppers among other harmless ingredients. For whatever reason, I just HAD to do the peppers. I cut them BEAUTIFULLY and everything was going according to plan. The oven was currently in use so I had to put the operation on hold. In this 20-30 minutes of waiting for the oven to free up, I noticed several fingers were starting to tingle. 5 more minutes and the tingle turned into burning. 2 more minutes and the sensation was similar to putting the tips of your fingers on a RED hot burner, and then keeping them there. For a long. Long. Time.

I washed my hands. Then I washed them again. Then I used anti bacterial hand sanitizer. Then I washed them again. It kept burning.

I then started going to the freezer and getting ice to hold through a paper towel. Then I stopped with the paper towel and held on to the ice.

By the 3rd ice cube I started to freak out because it hurt. It hurt horribly. It was close to the most painful sensation I've had the pleasure of experiencing, but its Easter, its weird and I'm doing everything in my power to address the situation but not look like a baby. When the water didn't help any more, I finally looked it up online and saw suggestions like milk or rubbing alcohol.

The following is literally everything I did to make the burning stop.

1) Milk in small plastic bowl, about a minute 30 of relief.
2) Aloe Plant. It just made things burn more and felt really gross.
3) Alcohol poured on the fingers, then on a paper towel and held there; about 2 minutes of help.
4) Milk again
5) Some old wipes used on bug bites/ stings and minor burns. No Help.
6) Something called AB cream rubbed on the fingers. No help. In fact, it made things so bad I finally broke and started crying.
7) Hand in pool. 2 minutes of help.
8) Back online- see idea for baking soda, baking soda and milk, vinegar, basically any random combination of kitchen items was suggested to try. I tried baking soda and milk. About 1 minute and 15 seconds of help.
9) Boyfriend suggests trying gasoline. I try it. It felt wonderful and cold! But only for 45 seconds. We tried it twice. It did not work. Then someone mentioned I was absorbing all of the gassy goodness into my liver. We stopped...
10) Washed my hands again.
11) Back online. Honey is suggested. I try it. Its in use and all over my hands when the first batch of family members arrive.
12) Honey is not working. Someone (a MAN obviously) suggests I pee on my hands. The remedy apparently has '5 stars'. The house guests all seem to think this is really funny. I feel like my skin is melting off my fingers. The humor is a little lost on me. At 2 o clock or so I decided I was full enough of beer to really soak my fingers (yeah, take that all in) and I go for it.

It worked. And I got to spend a better part of the afternoon ducking friendly people who wanted a hug and having to explain that I'm not an ass, I'm just slightly soaked in pee. It was bitter sweet.

If you are still unable to understand why I peed on myself- touching lots Jalapeno seeds for a prolonged period of time lets the evil and obviously cursed oils seep into your skin. This in effect causes a chemical burn that burns from the inside out. It didn't totally stop hurting until I fell asleep last night.

After the pee treatment I couldn't be out in the sun or have the wind touch my fingers. The water condensation from my cups would make the burning start again. Typing this now I SWEAR I can feel a little burning coming back to my thumbs.

My advice? The next time you get that burning sensation, just pee on it. 2 hours of smearing on everything in the kitchen will only make you smell funny and feel sticky.

How was YOUR Easter?

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Before and After

You may recall a sad picture of a dead looking cactus.
You may remember me saying something about going out and getting some gardening supplies.

Well check it OUT:

Look at the cactus! What sad cactus baby?? He's been re potted in real cactus soil even. The orchid? Brand new orchid medium. The rose bush? Got a blossom buster! I'm also growing 2 types of tomato's, a cucumber, and strawberries! Plus my sun flowers got new stick things to help hold them up!Although I may have a green thumb of death and this is really just going to be a survival of the fittest- I can't help but be proud of how super cute my patio looks!

I love having a new hobby!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Fruits of my Labor

Last summer when my momma went up to Michigan for a few months, she left me with her cacti (that sounds so wrong when I read it back for some reason) because they have no business in the North woods. I kept them in an area that got afternoon sun outside. This area also happened to get some rain, but it had to storm really hard for the water to even get over to the plants. They had a pretty good life I would say.

Somehow though these stupid things died. I killed 2 cactus's. In Florida. Plants that require sun, heat, and very little attention. Dead in 6 weeks.

The Christmas Cactus did kinda sorta make, and when I eventually moved to Orlando I brought it with me. Then my doggy grew up and after an innocent puppy phase where everything went into her mouth, she realized she had a real affinity for the tasty treat that is my Christmas Cactus. It was after I finally noticed the plant was 3 inches shorter that it dawned on me who could be gnawing on my cactus; I knew it wasn't me just because it appeared high in sugar and I was on a no sugar/salt kick at the time. Although I couldn't be positive it wasn't boyfriend, I hadn't noticed him sneaking around trying to get at the thing so until I saw different I ruled him out. I finally monitored Peppers patio behaivor a little more closely and saw her creep up to the thing, sort of look around, and then start chewing! After I caught her it's been a little easier to keep the poor plant going.

Although I was positive it was dead, I'm really lazy so I just left it on the windowsill. Momma came to town this weekend and while having a conversation about the baby sunflowers she brought me (knowing I've got the green thumb of death mind you) I went to the cactus, and saw these little sprouts!

IT'S ALIVE!!!!!!

So, I know to keep Pepper from munching on anything else (sad looking orchid, sad looking rose bush, cactus, 2 pots of sad looking baby sunflowers) I need to get tables and get these things off the ground. THEN I saw a commercial for this thing that grows tomato's and strawberry's up in the air. It looks AMAZING and since I can keep a cactus alive, (and because I play a LOT of Farm Town) I have convinced myself that I can actually grow something for human consumption.

Wish me and those who are forced to eat this stuff luck!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Maybe it's the Head Trauma

I'm applying, or I have applied to community college.
Yes its because I feel like my brain is turning to mush and no I don't want to talk about it.
One semester at this little school can even help me accomplish a few things.

-I need 3 rec letters to apply to UCF's MPA program. Since I tapped out my USF professors, I can use these people to help me.
- Clearly the law school thing isn't exactly working out at the moment and instead of becoming more useless (while writing that book of mine) I'm going to go to VCC and work on my paralegal degree. That way, it's a useful skill in a growing field, its a chance to intern, get a few connections, and work on retaking the lsat. That way I'll know if I really am interested in law before I get 10 Gs in debt.

So lets recap:
Yes. It is community college -shutters-
It is learning so I don't go all soft.
It is gaining letters of recommendation so if by chance I get bored with this I have the resources to apply to UCF's masters program.
It's training in a field that, as of now, seems to be hiring.
It's giving me a little look into law without having to commit to a lot (more) debt.

In other news...
Last night I got hit in the head by over a pound of frozen tilapia.
Imagine this:
I'm squatting down in front of the open fridge, digging through the big bottom drawer that holds everything that doesn't have a home else where. Boyfriend comes up behind me to open the freezer to get out ice, unknowingly releasing a pound of rogue, angry fish. It quickly falls about a foot and a half and cracks me right on the head. So hard my HEAD dented the fish.
It still hurts...

For the last 15 minutes or so I've been contemplating blasting my old fuddy duddy music to drown out lady gaga and the girls down stairs who have been mislead into believing they can sing. It's bad when I have to hear the thump thump thug life crap, but now there is something they want to sing to and I don't know whats worse. Its to the point where I'm looking forward to it getting so hot I can't keep my windows open and thus can't hear their crap. (have I mentioned this is the apartment with the pot smoke, dogs that are always crying for help and that one morning that had about 2 hours of what I think was domestic violence? Yeah, these upstanding citizens again)

Also? The only thing that gets run in this apartment is the TV, a fan at night, lights when its too dark to see otherwise, and the standard stuff that uses energy. Wanna know what my electric bill is WITHOUT the use of AC? 99 bucks. I'm scared to see what May through October is going to bring. Probably a lot of tears and screams of confusion. I didn't think a company could cheat me more than TECO, but here I am. You're on my list OUC...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Demands

So I'm watching Chelsea Lately (I dvr every episode because I just can't make it till 11pm) and she is talking about Rhiana's list of demands when she goes to a concert.

This made me start thinking about the things I would demand if I was able to.

Kettle One
Spring Water (NOT Zephyer Hills or Evian)
Rice Cakes: lightly salted only
Turkey breast meat
weight watchers ice cream treats
An hd tv (no smaller than 26") that comes with a dvd player (blu ray preferred) and every season of sex and the city, the office, and Americas next top model.
A masseuse
I will refuse to preform if I hear music from any era other than the 40's-50's

Of course I have no idea what I am preforming. I'd say stand up, but I only have 6 friends who think I would be good at that, and even then I think they're just humoring me because they know I'm not writing that book. I keep meaning to, but it's been nice out and I just want to read by the pool! Actually this past weekend, stand up got brought up and the reaction of one of my friends was priceless- "Youre funny?"

Guess not.

Anyway, I was looking at the census this morning, only because I got -ANOTHER- annoying letter (probably paid for with my parents tax dollars) reminding me to do it. I need to see where my national and state constitutions say I have to give the federal government my phone number and what my relationship is to person one. I feel I'm being very kind even giving them my sex. For race I put other: AMERICAN. Why they need all of this information on my Hispanic heritage (or lack thereof) is beyond me, but they're not getting it. I don't agree with redistributing the wealth- I don't care how broke I am, how much I've got to stretch to get groceries at wal mart, how bad I want whatever it is I don't really need- I will work for it thank you very much.

The government will get to know how many people live here, that no others are illegally hiding out, and that its rented (why not?). Thats ALL feds.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Needs Vs. Is

What NEEDS to be happening:
Make a precise shopping list
Write for book

What IS happening:
On couch
Deadliest Catch
Looking up recipes (Which is useless because I haven't shopped and thus have no food to prepare)

I just don't feel motivated. On top of this disaster the government has officially created, boyfriend lost a friend over the weekend. I met him, he was sweet and funny. He has a long distance girlfriend and I can't imagine what shes going through. Or his parents. It's terrible. Thats the shitty thing about life; death.
With my headache, the gloom outside, being betrayed by my 'representatives' in government and knowing how sad someone I care about is feeling, I just don't want to do anything today.

I'm going to have to because, well, no one has any clean underwear. Thats pretty important in this house so, gotta do it. Life goes on whether or not we want it to...

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Not only did it break my heart to find out Jesse James is cheating on Sandra Bullock, but the dog farted on the couch and the smell will NOT go away.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Today at 10 I'm working out with my personal trainer.
Then at noon I have an appointment with a fabulous hair stylist.

I'm just like a movie star- my only responsibility is lookin good.

Of course thats where the similarities stop, but still, I'm not too old to pretend.

I don't think I'm going to write anything today, I'm not feeling inspired and I don't think I'm going to have a lot of time just because last time I got my hair did, I was in the chair for 4 hours!

Ok, need to get the day moving and get out from under my cozy blankets...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A Wee Bit O Humor

So I'm cruising and realize my mood has lifted significantly.
Also? I had pretzels. I rather like pretzels..

Anyway, I found this particularly funny, enjoy!

Shut It

'Hey Megan, hows that book coming along?' (snickers)
'Shut it!' (I'm writing a tell-all chapter dedicated to you)

Thats actually a fake conversation to highlight the fact that although the last entry was filled with all kinds of positive thoughts and motivation, the reality is a lot less sparkly. It's come to my attention that I am out of the loop in my own life. Yeah yeah, suck it up, press on, try out the book thing, ect ect. But I mean, from the turn downs to 'actually my next move is going to be a house', I feel like I'm trying to move forward but I'm on a treadmill.

I'm frustrated... Here's why:
Let me paint you a picture

You're in my living room. You see what was a cream colored couch, a little hairy from the dog, and covered in a brown blanked to cover stains from sloppy friends. You see 3 more blankets because I like soft things and love to be warm. The living room isn't really remarkable, theres an over flowing basket of dog toys in the corner, on the wall next to that a crappy black dvd holder that leans to the left. In the center wall is a built in thing that houses the big tv, and under that where speakers for the sound system the builders assume you have should be, is a pile of electronics; a wii, an x box, a router, a dvd player, and cable box under one, and the second houses a computer (seriously). Theres a a brown table in the center of the L shaped couch. It cost far more than it was actually worth and from a few years of hot food and spilled drinks the paint has chipped off, revealing the lighter wood below. Under the table is a bin the holds game controllers, head sets and next to that, just a bunch of other random stuff that really doesn't belong there, but doesn't really have a home otherwise.

Wrapped in 2 of the 3 aforementioned blankets is a blonde. She sits in 'her spot' on the couch, staring rather lifelessly at the tv. She's grown to enjoy day time TV, even watching the 'reality' shows for research- research for what she really has no idea, in all reality she just tells herself that because she doesn't want to admit she actually enjoys some of the terrible shows that she watches. She switches channels after the news, digging through useless sports channels looking for something entertaining. Finding 'The Bad Girls Club' she stops and watches. She looks confused; out of the many terrible shows she seen, she can't begin to understand several things- 1) why these people are on tv 2) who would even want to be on such a show and 3) what is the over all point of this show?

Intrigued, she watches on, feeling a little dirty for doing so.

This is how she will spend her morning. She may go to the gym in an hour, she may decide to go when she knows shes going to be most hungry. If its sunny she'll grab a book, make a little drink and lay by the pool, enjoying the sound of the fountain in the pond that is unusually close to the pool. Normally she wears a yellow bikini with an anchor on it, it reminds her of USF and Tampa. Later, she'll play with the dog, make dinner, watch Glenn Beck.

She's full of want; want to learn, want to win, want to write, want to be successful, want to be happy. Shes like so many of us; untapped potential, hindered by confusion and the heavy burden of carrying one too many failures, rejections. She wants to be a more productive member of society, but slinging burgers or working miserable retail hours do nothing for her. Shes fortunate; shes in a position where she doesn't NEED to work. It would be nice for a lot of people if she had the income, but shes blessed to be able to take time to figure things out. She has an idea, but not really sure what to do with it. Things that seemed rational and realistic to her collapsed, why now would she take a risk on something as silly as trying to write a book? What would she write about? Who would even care about her story? She knows she's not remarkable, hell, she didn't even graduate college cum laude but still, she feels potential.

Thats why I'm frustrated. I'm her. Sometimes I imagine what me from 2 years ago would say to me today. I don't know what to do. I'm honestly tired of being kicked in the teeth by life but I mean, I want to be a professional. I want to be a successful woman, clawing her way up the fortune 500 list, being able to travel, enjoy the fruits of the world, give more than sweat and love to organizations I care about, to get out debt. I can't stop working toward the life I want, but... when I'm scared to try, even confused about what to try- where do I go from here?

Friday, March 12, 2010

Plan B

Today is a confusing day. On the one hand it's the day I get rejected from one of the worst law schools in the country, thus making it a sad day. On the other, as a friend said,'tomorrow you start the rest of your life'.

I've decided I'm going to take what I've been coming up with here and parlay it into a book. I don't know know yet if it's going to be a book of essays or a recap of the last 4 years with a humorous/ motivational undertone, but I do know that -total lack of writing ability aside- I am going to actually follow through with plan B. I'm going to come up with 70 thousand words, edit, and then edit again, and then shop for an agent the correct way. Like applying for jobs I'm going to get to around 50 (or 100) agent queries before I consider something else, but either way, I will complete this project.

I'm opening up my celebration champagne.
I didn't just get rejected from law school, I've been given the opportunity to try something else.

See you at Barns and Nobel.

I'm Collecting Wood

Because if the pond gets any closer to my building I'm going to need an ark. However, I don't know how successful I'm going to be in collecting 2 of every animal since the only animals I can find are stray cats. Which, if you were wondering, no, boyfriend will not let me start taking them in and loving them.

Theres this big white male cat that harasses another cat that, although he has 'owners', needs to be rescued to. Poorly treated animals break my heart... I want both these kitties vury bad...

Speaking of breaking my heart, the other thing burning a whole through my icy innards would be the wait for FAMU to send me a letter. I just want to point out that I live in the same city where they will be mailing such a letter from. It would take no more than a few hours to get to me- if ONLY they would bother to send something!

A reliable (and blonde!) source who attends the school told me it took a month for her acceptance letter. Therein lies the real problem: in my little brain I like to imagine that it's taking so long to get to me because I too will be getting an acceptance letter. Although there is a saying 'Prepare for the worst but hope for the best', I just cant do that. I'm either hoping or preparing!

For fun I'm hoping. I read about 32 pages of that book "The Secret" and remember something about my body being a giant radio transmitter and if I'm not careful I'll be putting out, or getting back 'bad' signals. Something weird like that. In the spirit of avoiding bad signals I'm all smiles here.

Besides, on dark, rainy days like this I get to pretend I'm in Forks and in a few minutes Edward is going to be creeping in through my 3rd story window and we're gonna go romp around in the dark, wet woods. YES a Twilight reference by a college educated 22 year old. I win.

Stay dry friends.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Waiting Game

I hate waiting.
I have always been a fan of getting things done. Knowing answers. Making things happen. I am impatient; I was always that student in college that would get an assignment, and do it- early. I just feel that to be efficient in this world, one must take care of things in a timely manner.

FAMU on the other hand must have a different philosophy. And it's making me crazy.

See, knowing their decision is a big deal; it decides a lot in terms of my next move for the future and that is something I'd like to know about sooner rather than later.

Last Friday (3/5) they made up their mind. As I check the mail (twice daily in case I checked it too early or you know... possibly missed the BIG envelope I'm hoping to get) and don't get anything but ads for Bed, Bath, and Beyond (super cute lamps though!) I start to wonder whats taking so long....

A) Its the admission packet! It's big, but because of budget cuts they couldn't afford faster shipping so it has to take its sweet time getting here.
B) Its the admission packet! It's so full of information that it takes a week to even put together!
C) Its the rejection letter! They aren't wasting good money on good postage for loser rejects like me and since it's just a rejection letter it's not like they're going to over night it so.... it's just laying around until they feel like getting it out.

I'm torn between being hopeful and excited (option B) and preparing myself for the worst (option C)

This is annoying.
Really annoying.

I keep trying to busy myself with little tasks and I even bought the new Chelsea Handler book. I (hopefully boyfriend isn't reading because I'm not supposed to talk about this) debugged the carpet (fleas) and got the dog all spiffed up and bug free. We're just very proud people and that our beautiful child (dog) got lice (fleas) is just a bit embarrassing and we don't want people 1) thinking we're not fit parents (of a dog) 2) that our home is gross (my carpet is so clean I see my reflection in it- seriously) 3) that our baby is gross and your baby will get bugs from her (not a chance).

I'm proud to pat myself on the back and say job well done because I kicked some flea ass baby. Kicked it!

Honestly that's been the highlight lately and nothing of any real interest has been happening. I'm waiting on a bikini for MsFlaUsa press day and I'm honestly feeling like its slipped into a black hole and I'm never going to see it. I'm still on the quest for an interview outfit but as I have a horrible time making choices, all I can say is that I'm VERY happy I decided to start looking now. I really want to get my headshots done but I need to get my hair done first but that is NOT happening this month unless I find that pile of money I'm always hoping to come across. Maybe pretty pictures will come in April!

Thats all I got for now America. What do you think? Want to play an over/under game on when the FAMU you letter will come? I still say before Friday. You say after. 5 bucks to the winner!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oh The Glamor

- An Oscars Review

Oh was it ever a night of... well who am I kidding, I've seen better Oscar years. Non-the-less I watched it (from my DVR, but we'll get to that later) and found a few enjoyable parts. First, my fashion thoughts.

I'm not reviewing guys. Everyone looks like they're in matching Penguin Suits and other than noticing Robert Downey Jrs bow tie, everyone looked the SAME (yawn).


Pretty! I DESPISE her so its a big deal for me to admit she looked soft and age appropriate. Although I question what on Earth she was doing there, her gown didn't have the prom feel and the the top of the gown added some style and a little age.

Amanda Seyfried/ Sayfrid/ Sayfred:
(Whatever) My LOVE from Mama Mia did wrong tonight. I love the pale thing, as a bleach white blonde myself I respect the pale ok? But wearing a dress as white as you? No Bueno. Thumbs down.

Zoe Saldana/ Saldanna .... something. (Avatar Chick!)
Love it! I think shes a little too thin, and the top of her gown, although beautiful, highlighted the fact she had no ta tas and made her look ever smaller. But FINALLY someone with some sparkle! Come on HOLLYWOOD- lets get the glamor back please! Oh the color, the ombre (yeah look at me and style knowledge!) the poofy colorful things at the bottom- I don't think the dress was a mash-up, I think everything belnded into something that screamed style and MOVIE STAR. Good for her.

Penelope Cruz:
Bored with it. Seen it. Nice color though.

Anna Kendrick:
PERFECT. (although- needs more sparkle) She glowed- pale skin with a COLOR on it, the beautiful blush pink, cut of the fabric- everything made a statement and I hope she has a great career ahead of her. I just want to point out, if anyone watches Twilight like I do- you will recall the motorcycle scene in New Moon. Kendrick STOLE the show from douty Kristen Stweart. I would argue that every scene where she and Kristen were together, she OWNED it. Shes amazing. Keep up the fashionable work!

Kristen Stewart:
Eh. Alright, she didn't wear converses so that was a big deal. She wore a dark color and an ever darker look on her face for having the daunting task of showing up somewhere wearing more than a dirty t shirt, and having to speak 3 lines with the B E A U T I F U L Taylor Lautner. Although she has looked worse, I thought the dress was plain and her personality, which, although it's not like I know her or anything, looked just as unappealing.

Sarah Jessica Parker:
Oh hate on Perez ( but that Chanel dress divine. It had DRAMA, it screamed S T A R, it was from Chanel so- bow down and SHUT IT. Although I couldn't place my finger on the color and I'm not positive that I loved it, what she was getting across with that gown definitely spoke volumes. Fantastic!

Elizabeth Banks:
You had to have looked quick to find her, but when she presented for some obscure digital editing award she blew me way. Not only is she funny and seems like that type of person that if you met them in person, they would be really funny and you'd want to be their friend. It was this steely gray color and there was this beautiful headband in her hair that added this great sparkle. I think she should have gotten more red carpet attention

Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air)
It was that fushia gown with the huge ruffle snaking around her body. I'm going to give it to her; although I wanted more blush on her cheeks, the lip stick and hair pulled up made sure that attention was on the gown and she worked to not be 'too busy'. She took a risk, wore a bold color, and I have to say I don't hate it. Its taken me a few looks to figure it out, but she brought in the drama that has really been lacking on the carpet and the edgy-ness really fit her personality (that I saw from her interviews. I love pretending that I know these people lol)

Why was Demi moore here? Am I the only one who is just unimpressed by her?
Probably. But whatever. As far as I'm concerned at that age you gain weight dammit, stop looking better than my 22 year old arse! Honestly? Its just frustrating.

J Lo:
Finally, a shot out to someone who dressed for their body. She has lovely curves, and said 'to hell with it' and highlighted them! Good for you and don't change thing!

Favorite Parts:
*Ben Stiller dressed as a Navi from Avatar. His tail went out of control. He had fantastic awkward pauses and showed ehy he will ALWAYS be superior to Sandler. Boo Yeah.

*Neil Patrick Harris: He's just a big ball of talent and I would watch him make a sandwich.

*The paranormal clip with Martin and Baldwin: Fantastic. I love comedians who will go the distance for a laugh. I respect that so much as I long to be that kind of funny.

*Kristen and Taylor presenting-shes. Shes just so terrible. 'Well thats her personality' Yeah but come ON. She could at least try. The creepy cough? The inability to EVER smile. Just... ugh. May I just voice for a moment how angry it makes me that people get all the fame, money, and opportunities in the world and just seem pissed about it. I would really give just about anything to act, to sing or dance, or possess a talent that makes others smile, to have the chance to entertain the masses, just ugh. Ugh Ugh Ugh...

*The sound editing clip with Morgan Freeman. 'Yeah yeah. Its me. I'm in the audience as a nominee and narrating this clip. Amazing. You'd think I get a night to relax. Anyway." He really is the best of the best.

*I saw back fat on Cameron diaz! Ha! Take that. Also more basis for my argument against strapless gowns. They just don't do anything for 86% of the population.

* I really wish Clooney looked more happy to be there. He just looked pissed all night.

*Of course the show ran long and I can't watch things with out them having been DVRed first so- I didn't get to see the best picture win,since my DVR can't seen to adapt and actually record the program and not what happens to be on in the time slot (grrrr) and I am happy about Hurt Locker; I'm AMAZED Hollywood would recognize something Iraq war oriented and hope it brings the attention to our troops that they deserve.

*Over all complaint- what was up with the creepy, poorly timed, and awkward crowd shots? It did nothing for the overall feel of the show. It just showed how annoyed everyone was to be there which made me ask 'why am I watching this?'

Ok America! Here is your Official Review of all things significant about the 2010 Academy Awards. Hope you enjoyed it!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Gonna Vomit

As of 3/5 FAMU has made a decision- of course they won't tell me, I have to wait for the mail. I'm going to be pretty crushed if I don't get in- I'm just going to say that now.

So now as my stomach jumps all over and I feel like I'm about the lose my chips and salsa projectile style I'll go check the mail. After all we still have Saturday delivery!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I knew something annoying was bound to happen today

So I decided that because it was too cold to lay out (blinding sun aside) I would go to the gym to get my mind off my afternoon munchies (for whatever the reason I could eat my body weight between the hours of 12 and 4pm).

Usually there is always someone or a group of people in the pool doing something that bothers me (it doesn't take much lol) and today there was NOOOOOO one in there so yay I thought.

So I'm roughly 5 minutes into my thing when this guy walks in. My first thought is "dear god not the lane next to mine" and luckily he went the next one over. This however made little difference once splash-zilla got in the pool.

First though let me describe this mess: He walks up in the smallest blue banana hammock I've even seen, and unfortunately I didn't notice him at first, I only saw him first when he was facing backward where I was visually assaulted with major crack.
Now, I'm not one to really judge (lol) others but... I'm about to. So from the back you could tell this guy was a little bigger, but really he seemed like an average guy. When he turned to the side though I swear he looked like he was 7 months along with twins. He wasn't fat anywhere else than this massive stomach.

So blue banana hammock sets down his flippers, water bottle, kick board and kicks off his water shoes. Once the lap I was on had me get closer to him, I noticed this tattoo. It was the Olympic rings with a Bald Eagle sort of clawing at it from above. IF this guy was ever a past Olympian- it was PAST. I don't know his relationship to the Olympics, but I do know that if he happened to ever be part of it, he was not a swimmer.

He may have been part of the 'splash' competition though.

This guy could not do anything but get me all wet and annoyed. No matter what he did, he splashed. It was like he was in the middle of his own personal challenge where he tried to see how much water he could get out of the pool or onto me every minute. It was so bad the only thoughts going through my head were 'can I bludgeon someone with a fun noodle and will it make any difference with someone who is clearly this dense?'

To top off this swimming disaster, about 3 minutes before I was due to get out (yes I was staring at the clock to distract me from my violent fun noodle thoughts) this brunette saunters in in a very skimpy bikini and two of her own (very well inflated) personal flotation devices. I couldn't help but stare for a minute and I noticed her um... eyeballing the pregnant man Mr Hammock. In only a way that makes sense in my little head, fun bags and preggo were totally meant for each other. Between the two of them no one was safe in the pool and the splashing and flirting between them got to a point that the old men in the 'loafers lane' were so turned off they went back to the sauna.

I took that as my cue, scampered back to the locker room and high tailed it out of there before I threw up or saw how many fun noodles were needed to take out a rather rotund Olympic hopeful.

I'm going to let the pool get a few more doses of chlorine before I jump back in there...

This isn't a good sign

I'm about to watch Maury.
btw? Its an episode with 12 'women' and the audience is guessing if they were born a man or woman. I'm not very good at this game, but I'm ok with it.

Ive also realized that my laziness has moved to a totally new level where I'm too.... something -busy (doing what I don't know), bored, eating, making the dog shake hands over and over because its funny and she slaps kinda hard- to even blog.

How can I document the fear, anxiety, excitement, joy, anger and confusion of applying to countless jobs and waiting for schools (I'm looking at you FAMU- tick tock people) to get back to me if I can't even move my fingers across a key board?

So, this is my obligatory blog update. I desperately wish I had something mildly entertaining to write about about, and although I could go into detail about the crazy ass cat fight this morning (7 am to 8:45am exactly) where one crazy sounded like the hulk on pcp, I'll save that for tonight!

Monday, March 1, 2010


I'm so sorry for the loss of a loved, this message is for my dear friend:

Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till 'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
if you just call me

Just call me when you need a friend
Just call me when you need a friend...