So I decided that because it was too cold to lay out (blinding sun aside) I would go to the gym to get my mind off my afternoon munchies (for whatever the reason I could eat my body weight between the hours of 12 and 4pm).
Usually there is always someone or a group of people in the pool doing something that bothers me (it doesn't take much lol) and today there was NOOOOOO one in there so yay I thought.
So I'm roughly 5 minutes into my thing when this guy walks in. My first thought is "dear god not the lane next to mine" and luckily he went the next one over. This however made little difference once splash-zilla got in the pool.
First though let me describe this mess: He walks up in the smallest blue banana hammock I've even seen, and unfortunately I didn't notice him at first, I only saw him first when he was facing backward where I was visually assaulted with major crack.
Now, I'm not one to really judge (lol) others but... I'm about to. So from the back you could tell this guy was a little bigger, but really he seemed like an average guy. When he turned to the side though I swear he looked like he was 7 months along with twins. He wasn't fat anywhere else than this massive stomach.
So blue banana hammock sets down his flippers, water bottle, kick board and kicks off his water shoes. Once the lap I was on had me get closer to him, I noticed this tattoo. It was the Olympic rings with a Bald Eagle sort of clawing at it from above. IF this guy was ever a past Olympian- it was PAST. I don't know his relationship to the Olympics, but I do know that if he happened to ever be part of it, he was not a swimmer.
He may have been part of the 'splash' competition though.
This guy could not do anything but get me all wet and annoyed. No matter what he did, he splashed. It was like he was in the middle of his own personal challenge where he tried to see how much water he could get out of the pool or onto me every minute. It was so bad the only thoughts going through my head were 'can I bludgeon someone with a fun noodle and will it make any difference with someone who is clearly this dense?'
To top off this swimming disaster, about 3 minutes before I was due to get out (yes I was staring at the clock to distract me from my violent fun noodle thoughts) this brunette saunters in in a very skimpy bikini and two of her own (very well inflated) personal flotation devices. I couldn't help but stare for a minute and I noticed her um... eyeballing the pregnant man Mr Hammock. In only a way that makes sense in my little head, fun bags and preggo were totally meant for each other. Between the two of them no one was safe in the pool and the splashing and flirting between them got to a point that the old men in the 'loafers lane' were so turned off they went back to the sauna.
I took that as my cue, scampered back to the locker room and high tailed it out of there before I threw up or saw how many fun noodles were needed to take out a rather rotund Olympic hopeful.
I'm going to let the pool get a few more doses of chlorine before I jump back in there...