Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Shut It

'Hey Megan, hows that book coming along?' (snickers)
'Shut it!' (I'm writing a tell-all chapter dedicated to you)

Thats actually a fake conversation to highlight the fact that although the last entry was filled with all kinds of positive thoughts and motivation, the reality is a lot less sparkly. It's come to my attention that I am out of the loop in my own life. Yeah yeah, suck it up, press on, try out the book thing, ect ect. But I mean, from the turn downs to 'actually my next move is going to be a house', I feel like I'm trying to move forward but I'm on a treadmill.

I'm frustrated... Here's why:
Let me paint you a picture

You're in my living room. You see what was a cream colored couch, a little hairy from the dog, and covered in a brown blanked to cover stains from sloppy friends. You see 3 more blankets because I like soft things and love to be warm. The living room isn't really remarkable, theres an over flowing basket of dog toys in the corner, on the wall next to that a crappy black dvd holder that leans to the left. In the center wall is a built in thing that houses the big tv, and under that where speakers for the sound system the builders assume you have should be, is a pile of electronics; a wii, an x box, a router, a dvd player, and cable box under one, and the second houses a computer (seriously). Theres a a brown table in the center of the L shaped couch. It cost far more than it was actually worth and from a few years of hot food and spilled drinks the paint has chipped off, revealing the lighter wood below. Under the table is a bin the holds game controllers, head sets and next to that, just a bunch of other random stuff that really doesn't belong there, but doesn't really have a home otherwise.

Wrapped in 2 of the 3 aforementioned blankets is a blonde. She sits in 'her spot' on the couch, staring rather lifelessly at the tv. She's grown to enjoy day time TV, even watching the 'reality' shows for research- research for what she really has no idea, in all reality she just tells herself that because she doesn't want to admit she actually enjoys some of the terrible shows that she watches. She switches channels after the news, digging through useless sports channels looking for something entertaining. Finding 'The Bad Girls Club' she stops and watches. She looks confused; out of the many terrible shows she seen, she can't begin to understand several things- 1) why these people are on tv 2) who would even want to be on such a show and 3) what is the over all point of this show?

Intrigued, she watches on, feeling a little dirty for doing so.

This is how she will spend her morning. She may go to the gym in an hour, she may decide to go when she knows shes going to be most hungry. If its sunny she'll grab a book, make a little drink and lay by the pool, enjoying the sound of the fountain in the pond that is unusually close to the pool. Normally she wears a yellow bikini with an anchor on it, it reminds her of USF and Tampa. Later, she'll play with the dog, make dinner, watch Glenn Beck.

She's full of want; want to learn, want to win, want to write, want to be successful, want to be happy. Shes like so many of us; untapped potential, hindered by confusion and the heavy burden of carrying one too many failures, rejections. She wants to be a more productive member of society, but slinging burgers or working miserable retail hours do nothing for her. Shes fortunate; shes in a position where she doesn't NEED to work. It would be nice for a lot of people if she had the income, but shes blessed to be able to take time to figure things out. She has an idea, but not really sure what to do with it. Things that seemed rational and realistic to her collapsed, why now would she take a risk on something as silly as trying to write a book? What would she write about? Who would even care about her story? She knows she's not remarkable, hell, she didn't even graduate college cum laude but still, she feels potential.

Thats why I'm frustrated. I'm her. Sometimes I imagine what me from 2 years ago would say to me today. I don't know what to do. I'm honestly tired of being kicked in the teeth by life but I mean, I want to be a professional. I want to be a successful woman, clawing her way up the fortune 500 list, being able to travel, enjoy the fruits of the world, give more than sweat and love to organizations I care about, to get out debt. I can't stop working toward the life I want, but... when I'm scared to try, even confused about what to try- where do I go from here?

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