So I write this post with close to the level of excitement someone feels when they go to the doctor for something that seems really serious and scary, and it turns out to be an M&M stuck to their ass or something equally ridiculous.
See, today, I got the use of my ring and pinky fingers back after what felt like a combination of acid and flesh eating virus. I was QUITE positive this wasn't going to stop, and if it DID stop, I wouldn't have any flesh on my fingers left. That I have flesh is super exciting, I promise you.
I want to work this story backward because I just can't hold it any longer- My Easter weekend ended with me peeing on my hands.
Let me explain.
2 Thanksgivings ago, I realized boyfriend and I wouldn't be a 'competitive' couple unless we started contributing dishes to the family gatherings. Although it took me roughly 2 years to figure it out, I have started cooking. 4 months of edible meals turned into my insisting on making a dish for Easter. I would do the hard work, boyfriend would assist- I was going to COOK and it was going to be WONDERFUL and I WOULD look like a real adult (thank-you-very-much).
My idea was actually my mothers suggestion of trying out some of these reduced fat Jalapeno Poppers. It required 12 halved and de-seeded peppers among other harmless ingredients. For whatever reason, I just HAD to do the peppers. I cut them BEAUTIFULLY and everything was going according to plan. The oven was currently in use so I had to put the operation on hold. In this 20-30 minutes of waiting for the oven to free up, I noticed several fingers were starting to tingle. 5 more minutes and the tingle turned into burning. 2 more minutes and the sensation was similar to putting the tips of your fingers on a RED hot burner, and then keeping them there. For a long. Long. Time.
I washed my hands. Then I washed them again. Then I used anti bacterial hand sanitizer. Then I washed them again. It kept burning.
I then started going to the freezer and getting ice to hold through a paper towel. Then I stopped with the paper towel and held on to the ice.
By the 3rd ice cube I started to freak out because it hurt. It hurt horribly. It was close to the most painful sensation I've had the pleasure of experiencing, but its Easter, its weird and I'm doing everything in my power to address the situation but not look like a baby. When the water didn't help any more, I finally looked it up online and saw suggestions like milk or rubbing alcohol.
The following is literally everything I did to make the burning stop.
1) Milk in small plastic bowl, about a minute 30 of relief.
2) Aloe Plant. It just made things burn more and felt really gross.
3) Alcohol poured on the fingers, then on a paper towel and held there; about 2 minutes of help.
4) Milk again
5) Some old wipes used on bug bites/ stings and minor burns. No Help.
6) Something called AB cream rubbed on the fingers. No help. In fact, it made things so bad I finally broke and started crying.
7) Hand in pool. 2 minutes of help.
8) Back online- see idea for baking soda, baking soda and milk, vinegar, basically any random combination of kitchen items was suggested to try. I tried baking soda and milk. About 1 minute and 15 seconds of help.
9) Boyfriend suggests trying gasoline. I try it. It felt wonderful and cold! But only for 45 seconds. We tried it twice. It did not work. Then someone mentioned I was absorbing all of the gassy goodness into my liver. We stopped...
10) Washed my hands again.
11) Back online. Honey is suggested. I try it. Its in use and all over my hands when the first batch of family members arrive.
12) Honey is not working. Someone (a MAN obviously) suggests I pee on my hands. The remedy apparently has '5 stars'. The house guests all seem to think this is really funny. I feel like my skin is melting off my fingers. The humor is a little lost on me. At 2 o clock or so I decided I was full enough of beer to really soak my fingers (yeah, take that all in) and I go for it.
It worked. And I got to spend a better part of the afternoon ducking friendly people who wanted a hug and having to explain that I'm not an ass, I'm just slightly soaked in pee. It was bitter sweet.
If you are still unable to understand why I peed on myself- touching lots Jalapeno seeds for a prolonged period of time lets the evil and obviously cursed oils seep into your skin. This in effect causes a chemical burn that burns from the inside out. It didn't totally stop hurting until I fell asleep last night.
After the pee treatment I couldn't be out in the sun or have the wind touch my fingers. The water condensation from my cups would make the burning start again. Typing this now I SWEAR I can feel a little burning coming back to my thumbs.
My advice? The next time you get that burning sensation, just pee on it. 2 hours of smearing on everything in the kitchen will only make you smell funny and feel sticky.
How was YOUR Easter?