Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Just Earned my Shame Rattle

Favorite author and sister separated at different births Jenn Lancaster (Jennsylvania) coined the term 'Shame Rattle' in her books and no word has ever come to mind as quickly and glaringly as 'Shame Rattle' (if you watch Survivor or have seen or thought you saw an episode, when someone does something dick or generally thought of as bad you hear this rattle noise. In case you didn't know what that meant- which you should have but whatever) did tonight. I caught my self being mad that my football team was losing and didn't have the courage to stick with the game. Dirty Jobs wasn't doing it ('Locomotive Builder' doesn't exactly grab my attention) so upon further channel surfing I came across Bridezillas. Yeah. I tuned in. But commercials on We are repetitive to a point where you are REQUIRED to change the channel lest you find yourself running out to a Walgreens to find a Snuggie or Perfect Brownie Pan(!) so I came across the perfect example of all that is wrong with society- 16 & Pregnant. 

So lets recap: With dozens of friends in town, a working car, enough money in the bank to do some remotely interesting activity under 30 dollars, at least 20 books I haven't yet read, a floor that could (needs to) be cleaned, laundry to be folded, hell,  100 + dvd's to organize- I sat on my couch, ignored the pageant message boards about this weekends incoming state winners (I'm not bitter that its not me going to USA, but I'm not not bitter either...) and flipped between Bridezillas- a show about spoiled, irrational women that like to abuse their friends, parents' pocket books, and still manage to keep their significant others, and 16 & Pregnant- a show about spoiled, irrational, ignorant young women who refused to pick up a friggin condom from, well, where CAN'T you find a damn condom? for hours.

This is where I assumed/ hoped blood would come spurting from my eyes or I'd be struck with convulsions until I changed the channel but alas, its almost time for The Simpsons and still watching this dribble.

Shouldn't I be depressed?
Questioning the validity of my college degree?
Getting up to go running since I'm clearly doing nothing for my mind so why not attempt to do something for my body?


I'm still here. Wondering how/ why Katrina is such a moron; you want mommy to buy you a new (second) wedding dress because you ate your way out of the first one. Mommy asks "please stop stuffing your face like a neglected cow let loose in a grassy field" and she will get you one. What do you do then, Katrina? Eat! Eat like theres no free second wedding dress in your future!
I can't decide who I'm more frustrated at- this heifer or my stupid ass for sitting here, continuing to watch.

Then there's 16 & Pregnant. Oh 16 & Pregnant. If I ever needed proof that my favorite saying isn't just funny- its 100% accurate (Just because you can own a TV doesn't make you fit to produce and raise a child) you give it to me (and I thank you). A particular exchange between a 16 year old and her baby daddy really gave new meaning to the word "DUH"

16 year old to baby daddy who goes to esteemed community college out of town and works a day job: "I wish you were around more. Raising this baby alone is really, like, hard. I do everything..."

Baby daddy to new teenage mother: "Yeah. But I mean, I do everything else. I'm earning the bucks."

16 year old: " Ok but doing this alone, I don't have time for my online school. I don't ever get sleep. I just wish you would be around to help!"

Baby Daddy: "I think you're making this out to be harder than it really is..."

16 year old: "It is hard! How would you know if it isn't?!"

Baby Daddy: "....ok I wouldn't."


Quick- back to Bridezillas- male stripper! (feel free to ask me about that one trip to Miami- some bastards took pictures) I loathe naked dancing boys. I'll take my chances with the teenagers.

So I guess, if I was going to pull a Jerry Springer and assign some meaning to this post, I think that it would be; a large social circle may take a bit of upkeep, but if prevents nights of questioning ones college degree due to ones sad, sad choices in reality tv, it is totally worth it.

Shame Rattle.

A Guest Post

While on vacation to the Mexican Riviera sitting at family's house in Englewood Florida, my dear mother thrust an article into my hand and said "READ THIS!". That type of gusto for 7:30 in the morning clearly meant I needed to heed her instructions. The title? "Looming Squirrel Takeover" The content? Excellent. The following post is by my "guest" (he has no idea but would be flattered nonetheless) David Grimes from the Herald Tribune (Sarasota or Manatee- they're essentially the same)

"What else could go wrong"
By David Grimes

I read that some people believe that nuclear weapons are the best way to stanch the oil-well leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
The thinking, as best I can tell, is that nothing else is working and we've got all these nuclear weapons sitting around gathering dust, so why not? To my knowledge, no one has attempted to cap a leaking oil well with a thermonuclear detonation, but that could simply be because people are unwilling or unable to "think outside the box," a common problem today if you are a manager trying to get 5 people to do the work of 10 for half the money.
If you think outside the box far enough, you can imagine a nuclear bomb not only sealing off the leaking oil well but also providing us with festively glowing 50-pound grouper sandwiches forever, or until half of the plutonium decays 24,000 years hence. This would be a boon to Gulf fishermen, assuming any of them survive the explosion.
Like most Americans of a certain age, most of what I know about nuclear testing stems from "Godzilla" movies. Godzilla is, or was, a giant, fire-breathing dinosaur-like thingy that did not have a lot of use for Tokyo. Perhaps he got some bad sushi there or the brake pedal on his Toyota stuck; it's never been made totally clear. But what really irked Godzilla was nukes. He'd just be settling in for a nice, 30-million-year nap when -- WHAM! -- 20 megatons of fissionable material would go off right next to his ear and then he had no choice but to destroy Tokyo's power grid and melt a few make-believe tanks with his hot breath.

I have no idea where Godzilla is today, but given Florida's demographics, he's probably retired somewhere in the greater Sarasota area. Perhaps he spends his time playing golf, doing pilates or wondering what happened to his stock portfolio. I imagine, most of all, he tries to remain inconspicuous, sort of like the Unconditional Surrender statue on the Sarasota bayfront.
But all of this might change if we decide to nuke the leaking Gulf oil well. I can see Godzilla excusing himself from his Saturday morning foursome (especially if he's missing a lot of short putts) and wreaking havoc on Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, thereby doing away with a lot of unsightly catwalks and somewhat clarifying the question of where the Tampa Bay Rays will play in the near future.
While it's true that some civic good can be accomplished by Godzilla running amok, I'm not sure it's worth the risk of nuking the Deepwater Horizon well.
Though I think it's safe to say that we're all growing very impatient and BP needs to come up with a better solution fast.