Sunday, November 28, 2010

A Guest Post

While on vacation to the Mexican Riviera sitting at family's house in Englewood Florida, my dear mother thrust an article into my hand and said "READ THIS!". That type of gusto for 7:30 in the morning clearly meant I needed to heed her instructions. The title? "Looming Squirrel Takeover" The content? Excellent. The following post is by my "guest" (he has no idea but would be flattered nonetheless) David Grimes from the Herald Tribune (Sarasota or Manatee- they're essentially the same)

Enjoy!
"What else could go wrong"
By David Grimes
 

I read that some people believe that nuclear weapons are the best way to stanch the oil-well leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
The thinking, as best I can tell, is that nothing else is working and we've got all these nuclear weapons sitting around gathering dust, so why not? To my knowledge, no one has attempted to cap a leaking oil well with a thermonuclear detonation, but that could simply be because people are unwilling or unable to "think outside the box," a common problem today if you are a manager trying to get 5 people to do the work of 10 for half the money.
If you think outside the box far enough, you can imagine a nuclear bomb not only sealing off the leaking oil well but also providing us with festively glowing 50-pound grouper sandwiches forever, or until half of the plutonium decays 24,000 years hence. This would be a boon to Gulf fishermen, assuming any of them survive the explosion.
Like most Americans of a certain age, most of what I know about nuclear testing stems from "Godzilla" movies. Godzilla is, or was, a giant, fire-breathing dinosaur-like thingy that did not have a lot of use for Tokyo. Perhaps he got some bad sushi there or the brake pedal on his Toyota stuck; it's never been made totally clear. But what really irked Godzilla was nukes. He'd just be settling in for a nice, 30-million-year nap when -- WHAM! -- 20 megatons of fissionable material would go off right next to his ear and then he had no choice but to destroy Tokyo's power grid and melt a few make-believe tanks with his hot breath.

I have no idea where Godzilla is today, but given Florida's demographics, he's probably retired somewhere in the greater Sarasota area. Perhaps he spends his time playing golf, doing pilates or wondering what happened to his stock portfolio. I imagine, most of all, he tries to remain inconspicuous, sort of like the Unconditional Surrender statue on the Sarasota bayfront.
But all of this might change if we decide to nuke the leaking Gulf oil well. I can see Godzilla excusing himself from his Saturday morning foursome (especially if he's missing a lot of short putts) and wreaking havoc on Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg, thereby doing away with a lot of unsightly catwalks and somewhat clarifying the question of where the Tampa Bay Rays will play in the near future.
While it's true that some civic good can be accomplished by Godzilla running amok, I'm not sure it's worth the risk of nuking the Deepwater Horizon well.
Though I think it's safe to say that we're all growing very impatient and BP needs to come up with a better solution fast.

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