Friday, May 20, 2011

Look, up in the sky!

Its a bird! No! Its a plane! No! Its superman! the Rapture?

List most rational people, I'm pretty sure the world is going to implode when the Mayan calendar stops 12/21/12. It's the most logical thing next to zombies. But on the eve of my FIRST trip over seas (and on the eve of hopefully being hired for an amazing job... but I digress) a growing number of people are suddenly backing out of the agreed upon apocalypse, and are now saying that this Saturday, tomorrow, at 6pm your local time, God is going to appear and, I don't know, shun the non believer, get his smite on. 

This is problematic for a number of reasons.

First, as an American,  I do not want to die in a plane, plane crash, or anything involving moving very quickly in a aluminum tube and then suddenly coming to a halt. No thank you. I've maintained for years I want to go out in a blaze of gun fire or doing something incredibly noteworthy/ stupid/ ballin' or sexy. Taking down a transatlantic 747 does not fit that outline. Like any other average woman, from time to time I take one fear and inexplicably replace it with another. It's hopefully a sad coincidence that my constant fear of being mugged and held for ransom is now replaced with flying. Every bump? Yeah I start swearing. (this doesn't help with the whole being good for the Rapture part)

Outside of the general sucking dying in a plane would bring, I am just not old enough to die. Everyone says that, and there are kids with cancer out there and I've made it to my prom, got my license, fallen in love, ect. but there is just so much left on the list.

Throw a drink in someones face
brawl in a bar
go hot air ballooning
get married
go to jail
(right now the only thing that's coming to mind is that STUPID saying from the Island Company Store: 'Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a tan, fall in love, never return.' Screw you Island Company, get out of my HEAD!)  
See if I would have a hot kid
be abducted by aliens 
go to England to see the Harry Potter sound stages
get the FourSquare badge for going to Antarctica
clone Pepper Ann

And that's just the stuff off the top of my head!
Not to mention that I don't really know if I would fare well in the Rapture. Is it like an interview? Do I have to account for every thought I've ever had? Because some stuff is probably best left alone. Do all dogs go to heaven? If you get in is there a 30 day trial period where God can just fire you without reason? If you don't get in will it REALLY be like that "2012" movie? Because I'm assuming if you're God you could take everyone out a little quicker and prevent a LOAD of suffering: dropping into the hot, melt-y center of the earth can't be pleasant.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, God, now is not a good time. I'm pretty sure unless you're someone who owes a lot of money to a particular mob, mafia, Don, or loan shark- yeah sure! "beam me up Scotty!" But for the rest of us that do our best not to suck and generally be kind to our fellow man, isn't Saturday a little soon? 

And if its got to be Saturday can I at least see Big Ben first?

No comments:

Post a Comment